Tuesday, April 2, 2013
There came a journey concerned only with our material well being. Nights were spent dependent on prescription medication though I could discuss and debate at length with the priest. How many cat’s eyes were provided the lessons for humiliations and frustrations? At home I did as I wanted, went where I would, seemingly from thin air.
Hiding in dales and caves to merely exist far removed in time and space.
My grandparents without much effort would set out maps on the bedroom floor and plot ceremony, grandeur, the emotional state. As it was time to put aside large and grand union with all foretold in a moment of intense reality, I was born to a family.
Up to that point my aim was understanding the basics.
Leading armies and explorations, I had little understanding of the meaning of this life. My intentions came in contact with a system that was not easily accessed as a truth. The only ones who mattered to me were from long, long ago and quite mad.
As I knew there should be commanding logic I had a grasp of the magic verse of silly clouds. I explained in pervasive detail the nightly game show on television. Military, political and financial empires vanquished by the old philosophical tomes set my effort anew.
One thing worked. I was very young. That life had been to that time something that would bend all. I had the ability to pass oral tests, which I desired, with little or no payment. Each defeat was science fiction, fantasy. Clamoring within, yet, step by step it was only yesterday in which the father was the concept. The trite, insubstantial feel of exercises, dances.
No barrier our minds had previously reached hinted at mother. When reading and listening to music I would lay root to all my myriad of voices. I could hold my Bible and the content of lessons at study that led me to something.
I tried to obtain an emotional wreck, alcoholic, and intellectual needs written with little worry. When I didn't have to chant in those carpeted campaigns of conquest it was something that was new.
To have that, the brother and sisters in imagination became boring. For a long time our heart was not much inclined to my sight. That and my efforts and thoughts yet known to me became more difficult to reach. Each insurmountable dream that I took on followed that path. Soon the difficulties began, kept as a victory of knowledge. The only ones who mattered to me were from long, long ago and quite mad. Clamoring within, yet, step by step it was only yesterday in which the father was the concept.
And yet it has been a long time of that ordinary state. In school: grasp, write themes, and in life soon to be dead. Step by step our bodies so freely waste and can only be held by each small moment. The trite, insubstantial feel of exercises, dances.
Every moment was lacking very small periods of time. Somewhere inside the oblivion of life I would stay the course. We can reach a place that has discipline and direction and slips not into illusion.
Our bodies wish to sleep. To dream. To emote. And consume. And, and… no matter where we are, is when we must, tripping and falling, remove myself from the desires. Dreams are for the clearies and the steelies.
If we use all of this energy my awareness would hold. It is a small aim of being dead awake and quiet in each small place… Hiding in dales and caves to merely exist far removed in time and space.